The struggle with gratitude is that at times it feels like it is so deeply barried beneath the reality of the life we are having to live.
What do you do when there seems to be no hope?
What about when you feel like things can not get any worse and then surprise surprise the crap hits the fan and you feel like you are covered in it?
How does one go on when that is your reality?
Where does one turn when the well of hope has dried up and there isn't a drop of hope left in sight?
. . . . . . .
Walking the aisles of a warehouse finding supplies is a very simple task and quite mundane. As a person who is strategic and an analyzer (according to strength finders), I mapped out the best plan of attack for each order to be as efficient as possible. You grab the sheet of paper, take off with your cart and find the supplies needed to fulfill the order. You take that information and enter it into a database, pack up the items and place them on a pallet to be delivered.
This was a job that provided income and for the season that was a gift. Even though I knew having this job was a gift. each week I found myself struggling with the reality that I was working in a warehouse and that there didn't seem to be an end in sight. I longed for something more.
On the 2012 Thanksgiving weekend when driving with my wife to Medicine Hat, I remember the silence. Silence on a long road trip means a lot of time to think and process life. The ache inside of me was present as I longed for something more. How could this be my reality on a weekend set aside for thankfulness?
. . . . . . .
25 job applications and resumes had been sent out and still no job. Finding a pastoral role was still at the top of my dreams list but at this point any work would do. Having a Bachelors and Masters degree is helpful however the nature of those degrees was not opening up the door to any jobs.
The struggles I was facing multiplied in that I was not alone but was in a family. The stresses and realities I was facing projected themselves onto my wife. The implications of our reality caused severe health struggles for her. The lack of sleep and stress led to her moving out to heal up and try to find some respite from all the struggles.
. . . . . . .
I remember standing on the corner of 5th Street and 7th Avenue in downtown Calgary. We had just come out of the court house and filed our divorce papers. As we said goodbye I found the words "I love you" welling up inside of me but my mouth remained closed. The season of saying those words had come to an end.
The divorce was "easy" as far as divorce goes. We were amicable towards each other and were able to figure out the divorce logistics without major complications. The one element that could not easily be dealt with was the deep crater of a wound that was now present within.
The divorce was "easy" as far as divorce goes. We were amicable towards each other and were able to figure out the divorce logistics without major complications. The one element that could not easily be dealt with was the deep crater of a wound that was now present within.
Choosing to be grateful in that moment was not a possibility. I did not regret the journey and decisions that were made. I learned a lot about myself, about resilience and about perseverance. This is not how I figured I would end up learning these values. I would not wish this reality on my greatest enemy (I don't really have an enemy but you get the point).
. . . . . . .
Where is God?
How can God allow this?
Why me?
How can I ever make it through this let alone come out on the other side?
Is there even an answer to these questions??
. . . . . . .
Many Christians are quick to rationalize answers and throw simple answers towards deep heart ache. As if somehow quoting a Bible verse or reminding the individual of some theological truth will cause them to go "oh, I never thought of that" and snap out of the deep pain and brokenness. Many times, in our desire to help and bring forth healing to the individual we actually insult the individuals intelligence and pain with our over simplified spiritual statements.
As people go through tough time, we look to passages like Jeremiah 29:11 (improperly referencing it and its initial written intent) as a way of trying to comfort them:"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The simplified responses towards those processing struggles are problematic: It will get better, God has a plan for you, God uses all things to work together for good, He won't give you anything that you can't handle.
Did I do something wrong?
Is God punishing me?
I thought He was supposed to be loving, this seems the furthest thing from that.
What kind of a God is that?
The problem with this view of God is that we picture Him sitting up there somewhere as we navigate life down here. He is watching His big screen tv monitoring all of our activity. Do the right thing and he sprinkles down blessings from heaven - of course, it is because He has plans to prosper us. Do the wrong thing and wham, lightning and thunder are coming your way. Brace yourselves for years of pain and punishment.
Is God in control? Yes.
Does God cause all things to work for good? Yes.
Does God have plans for our future? Yes.
Is this what needs to be shared with the individual? Use your discretion!!
Amidst the pain, these overly simplified spiritual cliches clash with current reality...God has plans to prosper me. This does not seem like hope and it sure as heck seems like it is harming me. Did I do something wrong?
Is God punishing me?
I thought He was supposed to be loving, this seems the furthest thing from that.
What kind of a God is that?
The problem with this view of God is that we picture Him sitting up there somewhere as we navigate life down here. He is watching His big screen tv monitoring all of our activity. Do the right thing and he sprinkles down blessings from heaven - of course, it is because He has plans to prosper us. Do the wrong thing and wham, lightning and thunder are coming your way. Brace yourselves for years of pain and punishment.
. . . . . . .
The kind of God the Bible talks about often seems to come into direct conflict with the life we at times are having to navigate.
Loving.
Caring.
Compassionate.
Really??
. . . . . . .
We get a glimpse of Jesus life for three years. He lived to be around 33 years old so a lot of his life is unknown to us. Before he chose 12 followers to come and participate in life with Him he would have had other friendships.
We find out in the book of John that Jesus had a family that he was friends with. He would stop in and visit with them when he was in the area. Mary, Martha and Lazarus lived in Bethany and Jesus considered them close friends.
Jesus gets word that his buddy Lazarus is sick and then died shortly after. Jesus shows up in Bethany. He knows that the plan is to raise Him from the dead yet on the way to the tomb he breaks down.
John 11:35 says:
"Jesus wept."
But why? In a few moments he would be calling Lazarus's name to come out of the tomb. Why bother with shedding a tear?
Jesus as a human knows what it is like when crap hits the fan. When a close friend is dead, tears is the reasonable response.
In another book in the Bible written about Jesus, Matthew describes some of the final moments Jesus has before being taken away to be tried and then killed. After having a supper meal with his followers, he heads out for an evening walk and they end up in a park. A few of the followers stop and find a spot to sit on a bench and Jesus proceeds a bit further with three of his closest friends.
Matthew 26:38-39 says:
And he said to them, “My heart is overwhelmed and crushed with grief. It feels as though I’m dying. Stay here and keep watch with me.” 39 Then he walked a short distance away, and overcome with grief, he threw himself facedown on the ground and prayed, “My Father, if there is any way you can deliver me from this suffering, please take it from me.
Jesus is real, honest and raw before God. You can sense the emotion in this snap shot of Jesus final moments before being arrested.
. . . . . . .
How many tears do you think have been shed over the course of your life? The tears you cried as a newborn because your mother was taking too long to give you milk - before you knew what tears even were. The scrapes and bruises you accumulated as a little kid, the broken heart you faced as a teenager, the tears shed for friends going through tough time or the tears you cried when you lost a loved one.
God knows the tears you have cried.
Psalm 56:8 says:
You’ve kept track of all my wandering and my weeping.
You’ve stored my many tears in your bottle—not one will be lost.
For they are all recorded in your book of remembrance.
That is a bit of a different twist to heaven. A beautiful place with streets of gold and happy little angels everywhere. At the center of heaven there is a giant warehouse. That warehouse has row upon row of shelving and on each shelf there are bottles. Each of us has a little bottle and it is filled with varying amounts of liquid. Next to the bottle is a journal with detailed notes and dates.
Our tears don't fall to the ground unseen and unremembered.
. . . . . . .
Sometimes life sucks.
Sometimes the crap hits the fan and pain takes over and grips us.
Gratitude is important, doing our best to maintain hope is vital...but at times that is impossible.
Amidst the pain in my life, amidst the darkest days I knew I could make it. Standing on the street corner by the courthouse I walked away as tears welled up in my eyes. Eventually I could not hold them back, they flowed down my face behind my sunglasses as I found my way back to the parkade.
In that deep moment of pain and ache I knew I was not alone. Yes I had friends and family who deeply cared for me but they were not physically with me in that moment. In that moment, I knew I had a God who loved me and cared. He was there with the bottle catching each tear...not a drop falling aside without Him seeing it.
He isn't up there somewhere looking down waiting to zap us and watching us scramble to survive the highs and lows of life. He lived it Himself, having a close friend die, feeling the pain in a park that was so gripping that He felt it was killing him...being in so much anguish that He cried out to God to take it away if at all possible.
. . . . . . .
I don't know what you are going through.
I don't know the pains you are facing, have faced and will face.
I do know that pain sucks and there are times the cup feels empty and going on seems impossible.
My thoughts are simple: You are not alone! There is a God that has wept, a God who has felt deep pain, a God who is present with you now catching each tear as it falls.
. . . . . . .
MAKING IT REAL
Emotions are a gift. Trying to suppress them and keep the tough exterior may seem like the better option but at some point the lid is ready to pop off and the emotions need to flow.
When you are done reading, head outside and take a walk. Take some time to take deep breaths and just breath in the fresh air. Somewhere on your walk, find a place to sit (a bench, a tree stump or a spot on the grass).
Ask yourself the following questions:
How is my heart doing? i intentionally say how is your heart as the heart is the place we often suppress, the place our feelings and emotions reside. So...how is your heart doing?
If part of your response is to let out some emotions to answer then set the emotions free (anger, pain, sadness and even the numbness...maybe even some tears).
Secondly, ask yourself the following question: God, where are you?
This may be a new question for you or one you have not asked in a long time amidst life's reality...just sit and be still after asking the question and see what happens.
When you get home grab a journal, a piece of paper and pen, or a blank document online. One way to often get out the realities and feelings going on in the inside is to just start writing. Reflect on the two questions above and write out some thoughts.
Sometimes life stinks but we are not meant to journey through life alone. Is there someone you know who is going through a tough season right now? Write them a letter (not an email or a text). A personal letter is just something great to get. Now...don't fill the letter with all the Christian cliches or statements like "I know what you are going through" (because you don't and everyone's pain is different). Just be honest with them...let them know why you care about them, what you see in them that makes them so amazing. Be there for them and be present as best as you can be.
* If the crap is hitting the fan for you right now, reach out to someone: a family member, close friend or even a counselor (my counselor - yup I see a shrink - was instrumental in helping me get through my thirties). If you need an ear I am available...just let me know. If your struggles have taken you to the point of wanting to end it all and you are considering suicide then reach out for help:
403.266.HELP (4357) or help@distresscentre.com or call 911.
Our tears don't fall to the ground unseen and unremembered.
. . . . . . .
Sometimes life sucks.
Sometimes the crap hits the fan and pain takes over and grips us.
Gratitude is important, doing our best to maintain hope is vital...but at times that is impossible.
Amidst the pain in my life, amidst the darkest days I knew I could make it. Standing on the street corner by the courthouse I walked away as tears welled up in my eyes. Eventually I could not hold them back, they flowed down my face behind my sunglasses as I found my way back to the parkade.
In that deep moment of pain and ache I knew I was not alone. Yes I had friends and family who deeply cared for me but they were not physically with me in that moment. In that moment, I knew I had a God who loved me and cared. He was there with the bottle catching each tear...not a drop falling aside without Him seeing it.
He isn't up there somewhere looking down waiting to zap us and watching us scramble to survive the highs and lows of life. He lived it Himself, having a close friend die, feeling the pain in a park that was so gripping that He felt it was killing him...being in so much anguish that He cried out to God to take it away if at all possible.
. . . . . . .
I don't know what you are going through.
I don't know the pains you are facing, have faced and will face.
I do know that pain sucks and there are times the cup feels empty and going on seems impossible.
My thoughts are simple: You are not alone! There is a God that has wept, a God who has felt deep pain, a God who is present with you now catching each tear as it falls.
. . . . . . .
MAKING IT REAL
Emotions are a gift. Trying to suppress them and keep the tough exterior may seem like the better option but at some point the lid is ready to pop off and the emotions need to flow.
When you are done reading, head outside and take a walk. Take some time to take deep breaths and just breath in the fresh air. Somewhere on your walk, find a place to sit (a bench, a tree stump or a spot on the grass).
Ask yourself the following questions:
How is my heart doing? i intentionally say how is your heart as the heart is the place we often suppress, the place our feelings and emotions reside. So...how is your heart doing?
If part of your response is to let out some emotions to answer then set the emotions free (anger, pain, sadness and even the numbness...maybe even some tears).
Secondly, ask yourself the following question: God, where are you?
This may be a new question for you or one you have not asked in a long time amidst life's reality...just sit and be still after asking the question and see what happens.
When you get home grab a journal, a piece of paper and pen, or a blank document online. One way to often get out the realities and feelings going on in the inside is to just start writing. Reflect on the two questions above and write out some thoughts.
Sometimes life stinks but we are not meant to journey through life alone. Is there someone you know who is going through a tough season right now? Write them a letter (not an email or a text). A personal letter is just something great to get. Now...don't fill the letter with all the Christian cliches or statements like "I know what you are going through" (because you don't and everyone's pain is different). Just be honest with them...let them know why you care about them, what you see in them that makes them so amazing. Be there for them and be present as best as you can be.
* If the crap is hitting the fan for you right now, reach out to someone: a family member, close friend or even a counselor (my counselor - yup I see a shrink - was instrumental in helping me get through my thirties). If you need an ear I am available...just let me know. If your struggles have taken you to the point of wanting to end it all and you are considering suicide then reach out for help:
403.266.HELP (4357) or help@distresscentre.com or call 911.
I am no stranger to pain- your blog resonates
ReplyDeleteThanks for sharing Andreas
ReplyDelete