What's on the Fridge?

If I were to ask you who you are, what would be your response?
What is your identity?

When you are at a party or meeting someone new, how do you introduce yourself.  What are the first things that you say to them?  It usually doesn't take long into introducing ourselves that we start talking about our work and accomplishments as well as the relationships we have.  Why is that?

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On the trip down to Medicine Hat on the Thanksgiving weekend, my mind was spinning with what next and the lack of potential options.  During that trip, the idea crossed my mind to consider going to Seminary and start working on my Masters degree.  I didn't say anything about this at the time to my wife as we were both in our own mental bubble processing life.

That Sunday, after the church gathering, we were chatting with the pastor who has been a friend for many many years.  After hearing about our lack of job options and no open doors, he said "why don't you consider going to seminary. You don't have a family or a job that is tying you down at this time."

Hearing those words shortly after having had those thoughts was an affirmation of what steps to take next.

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I remember sitting in my first class of my masters.  I wasn't sure what to expect as I hadn't been in school for 10 years.

As the professor was teaching us and walking us through Romans 8 I heard a voice in my head.  Quite clearly I heard "Andreas, I want you not what you do for me."  I couldn't shake the thought as it repeated itself over and over.

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I have known that I am more then what I do.
I have known that my accomplishments do not define me.
My identity is not what I do.

It is one thing to know these in your mind.  It is another thing to know it in your heart.

How do you hold onto your identity when the major defining factors of your identity are no longer?

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A couple of good friends have encouraged me and challenged me regarding thoughts surrounding identity.

It is believed that Jesus was close to 30 before he ever started going around teaching and doing miracles.  What was he doing before then?  Well, it is believed he was likely "just" a carpenter following in his fathers trade.

Matthew is one of Jesus close friends (otherwise known as a disciple) and he wrote about Jesus life after Jesus died.  Matthew retells the story of Jesus baptism.  John the Baptist (his cousin) was out in the desert baptizing people.  At the time people were confessing their sins and John would then baptize them (dunking them under water).  Jesus shows up in the dessert and requests to be baptized by John.  Here is the retelling of that story from Matthew 3:13-17:

Then Jesus left Galilee to come to the Jordan to be baptized by John. 14 But when he waded into the water, John resisted him, saying, “Why are you doing this? I’m the one who needs to be baptized by you, and yet you come to be baptized by me?”
15 Jesus replied, “It is only right to do all that God requires.”Then John baptized Jesus. 16 And as Jesus rose up out of the water, the heavenly realm opened up over him and he saw the Holy Spirit descend out of the heavens and rest upon him in the form of a dove.17 Then suddenly the voice of the Father shouted from the sky, saying, “This is the Son I love, and my greatest delight is in him.”

Jesus gets baptized and God shows up in the form of a dove and a voice from the heavens.   The words Jesus hears are "you are my loved Son and greatest delight."

Jesus had not done anything yet.  He had not healed anyone nor had he had opened His mouth to teach.  He did not die yet on the cross.  What is there to delight in?  What is there to love?

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You are loved not because of anything that you have done or accomplished.  

If you were to be head of the UN or find a cure for cancer, that would not make you more lovable.  

You are loved simply because you are you...full stop!!

That is easy to write when thinking of other people.  When it comes to believing it for self it is often a different story.  Why is it so hard though to believe this ourselves?

For me, as much as I try to detach my identity from what I do, I find myself still clinging to the external markers to define myself.  Here is what I have done, things I have seen and accomplished, the people I know.

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There are a few reasons we define our identity based on an external value system.

Some of the externals we use to define ourselves are connected to our own pride.  Because I have accomplished these markers, I can now promote my worth to others by letting them know about how great I am.

"Oh, that is cool you have traveled.  I like to travel as well.  In fact last year I traveled to..."
"No I don't know that person.  Do you know (fill in name). She is my friend and is the leader of...."
"My work sent me to (fill in blank conference).  It was pretty good.  I already knew most of the stuff but nice to go for the training."

Other times, the feeling that we need to promote the externals can be connected to feelings of inferiority.  Because we do not feel that our life matters, we try to inflate our worth based on external markers.

"I feel dumb and everyone else thinks I am stupid.  Good thing I finally got this good grade on my math test that I can tell them about to prove that I am not stupid."
"I've made a lot of bad financial decisions.  I am glad this one came around and worked out.  Now people will know I understand what I am talking about."

We hear the messages all over the place that you only matter if you - buy this, accomplish this, have experienced this, have progressed up the corporate ladder.  These messages all around us have caused us to compete and find our identity in things that do not actually define us. We become prideful and promote ourselves or we have insecurities and promote ourselves to try to find some measure of worth and purpose.

The main reason we define our identity based on external markers is that we have failed to trust that inner voice that tells us we matter no matter what.  We struggle to believe it because at times we may have been told by others that we do not matter, we have made mistakes and so in our own mind we do not believe we have worth or we compare ourselves to others and do not feel like our lives are of any significance in comparison to theirs.

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Externals do matter.  It is good to pursue goals, accomplishments and various achievements.  Find work you love and do that job well.  In fact, whatever you do, do it to the best of your ability.  Share your life experiences with others and the things you have been able to participate in.

Do not, however, look to these as what defines you.  You matter simply because you are.  You are the only you that will ever exist and be you.

A wise man once said:
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”  Dr. Seuss.
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When I think of heaven I like to think of a giant fridge.  Yup...God has a huge fridge up there.

On that fridge, if you get close enough you will see that it is covered in pictures.  Step a bit closer and you will see that the fridge is covered with pictures of you.
-pictures of you and your first smile, your first steps, your first words.
-photos of your first day of school, the day that you brought your teacher a homemade card for her birthday or stayed after class to help a friend pack up their supplies before heading home.
-pictures of your first shave (even though there was only 5 hairs on your chin), that time you dressed yourself up really nice and went on your first date.
-photos of you when you saw that person on the side of the road and stopped to help, when you saw that puppy running around lost and you took care of it until its owner arrived.

Weird thing about this fridge is there are also some unusual photos on it.
- when you ran in the track meet and ended up getting fourth place just outside of the medals...but you still managed to get a personal best
- when you spoke up amidst an unjust situation and were ridiculed for it...yet still made that one person feel noticed.

The photos are endless all because God delights in you!!
In God's eyes you matter because you exist not because of what you do.
You make God smile!  Every day he takes out His camera and says "I look forward to seeing what she will do today.  I wonder what fun adventures he will take us on today"

If you listen closely throughout your day, you may even hear the camera as he snaps photos of you to put up on the fridge.

You are His delight!!

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MAKING IT REAL

It is often easy to list things we like about other people.  We see why they are unique, what qualities, attributes and character qualities make them who they are.  For ourselves though this can often be more of a struggle.  Why is it that we struggle to believe we are lovable and worthy of God's delight?

Go and find a room with a mirror in it and sit down.  Ask yourself the following questions:
Who am I?  What have I allowed to define me? (you may want to write those things down)
After a while, ask the following question of God:
When was the last time I put a smile on your face?
What are some of your favorite pictures of me up on your fridge?

To take it one step further... think of one person that you trust and have a good relationship with.  Ask them if they are up for a friendship challenge and if they are willing to take the friendship to a different depth.  Share 5 things together that you see in each other that make that person who they are (beyond the externals).  

Are we there yet?

I remember road trips from Medicine Hat to Calgary as a child and the highway wasn't four lanes the whole way (yup I am that old).  The drive took much longer as passing was more challenging on a two lane highway.  

Back then, we had to invent games in order to pass the time.  We didn't have tablets or devices to occupy our attention.  We didn't have mini televisions in our cars so we could watch a movie.  We were lucky if we got one of those road side truck stop activity books to help us pass the time.  

Although it is an annoying question, are were there yet was a worthy question to ask as road trips took what seemed like forever.  

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I have been on the top of 2 different volcanoes...both in my thirties

The first of these volcanoes was Concepcion in Nicaragua.  On a G Adventures tour through Central America, we were given the option of climbing to the top of a volcano. We were on the island of Ometepe on Lake Nicaragua.Why not? Who doesn't want to cross that off a bucket list - even if it wasn't on the list originally?  

We got picked up at 6 am by a couple of guides which are mandatory for the hike.  We traveled to the base of the trail and were handed a plated lunch - covered in tinfoil to hide what was awaiting us. They also gave us each two 1.5 liter bottles of water to stay hydrated - which also meant having to carry them.  I tossed them into my backpack and headed out for that days adventure.  The first couple of kilometres is relatively flat until you reach the base of the volcano.

During the first 2 stages, the scenery is beautiful as you navigate the trail through a jungle. A nice gentle rain came down as we hiked allowing us to cool down a bit.  Oh wait!!  It's a trick!!  It is a jungle, otherwise know as a heat trap.  The sweat started to pour as the temperatures climbed and the humidity got trapped under the tree canopy from the rain.  

The wider path eventually turns into a single person trail making it a bit harder to navigate as well as an increased incline.

Eventually we made it out of the humidity trap clear of the tree line.  The trees break at about 1100 meters in elevation gain up the volcano and give way to volcanic sand and some lower greenery.  All the humidity from before is now exchanged with direct sun. However, being this high up also comes with the nice winds.  Pressing on a bit further we finally made it to lunch time.  It only took a mere 4 hours to get to this point.

If you haven't been on a volcano before, you may not know of the predominant smell.  There is a sulfurous smell present which also smells like rotten eggs.

Guess what lunch is?? 

Pulling back the tinfoil from our plates we discovered our pre-made lunches.  There was rice, beans, and plantains which are all staples in the area.  Oh, and you guessed it, eggs!!  Smelling rotten eggs and trying to eat eggs at the same time is definitely challenging.  After the short break to eat and hydrate we proceeded back up the mountain. 

About 50% of hikers quit at this point and turn around.
  

At 1400 meters in elevation the terrain changes. The climb is now steep and covered in loose lava rocks.  The guides handed us gloves to help protect our hands from the sharp rocks which would easily rip through our skin.  It was 5 minutes of forward progress and 1 minute of rest for the next while.

Near the 1500 elevation mark we reached a large canyon which was filled with sulfur clouds that come billowing out.  It makes the lungs itch and breathing is difficult not to mention it smells like the left over lunch.  

Sulfur clouds coming out from the canyon

Our guide looked at us and recommended we end things here and head back down. It had taken us around 6 hours to reach this point - we were only 100 meters in elevation from the summit.  He cautioned that breathing in the sulfur is dangerous and there were currently strong winds.  If the winds changed direction we could easily be surrounded by sulfur clouds causing us to have to turn and run down the mountain in order to survive.  25% of hikers end their journey at this point and head back down. 
I looked to the guide and let him know I was ready to run down if I had to as I did not come up this far to turn around this close to the top.  The decision was made and one other person from the group and myself took off with one of the guides to head to the top.   

All we could see of the rim of the volcano.

The rest of our group turned around and began to work their way back down. 

Hard to breathe but worth it!

We did it!!  We conquered all 9.5 km up and 1600 feet elevation gain of Concepcion.  

The view at the top was minimal yet worth it!! 

Now to get back down...

Working our way back down

The view of the lake from near the top

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Working my way to the top of the volcano was one of the hardest physical challenges I have ever faced.  Making it to the top of the volcano was exhilarating and one of the best experiences ever  - other than the strong smell of sulfur, large stinging insects everywhere and sheer fatigue.

Would being on top of the volcano be as great of an accomplishment if it did not take all the hard work to get there?  How much of the sense of accomplishment is due to the journey itself and how much is actually due to reaching the goal?

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Why is it that having to wait, working along the way and the process itself at times are so painful?  In trying to avoid waiting and pain, we have found ways to speed up the process:  
Microwaves
Drive thrus.
Skipthedishes - seriously though, using delivery for McDonalds...where are we at as a society??
PVR
Tap on our credit cards.
Express check out lines.

Speed it up so I don't have to wait.  I have more important things to do than this and waiting is hindering me from living my best life now.

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The Bible is filled with stories of waiting.  

King David was anointed to be king and yet wasn't crowned for another 15-20 years.  Imagine that you are told you are going to become the king and then for the next two decades you have to wait.  

During that season of waiting David took steps of preparation for the day he would become king.  He killed a giant and led many other military victories.  It was during this time that he became close friends with the royal family.  It didn't take long though before the king saw him as a threat and started hurling spears at him and sent out search parties to find him and have him killed.   David hid in caves to avoid capture, constantly running from death. 

He was ready to be king and yet was nowhere near that becoming a reality.  

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A word used to describe the space between two things is the word liminal.  Liminal means to
occupy a position at, or on both sides of, a boundary or threshold.  An example would be pregnancy, you are a mother and yet you are not yet a mother.

Is there something that we gain in the liminal space that makes us better equipped, stronger and healthier for when our time comes to move onto the next stage?  

Being in a liminal space is hard.  It feels like you are in nowhere land.  You are not at the base of the mountain nor are you at the top.  You are just somewhere along the journey - you can't say you were going to climb the mountain or that you did climb the mountain.  Both are true yet both are not fully accurate. 

Being in this space it feels as though your world proceeds in slow motion as everyone progresses and advances in regular time. 

My thirties consisted of the ongoing liminal space.  I know that I have been called to pastor yet that door has not opened.  I am a pastor and yet am not yet a pastor.

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When hiking the volcano, the greenery and growth only takes places lower on the mountain.  Near the top their is an amazing view but all that is present is rocks and dirt.  

The fear is that many of us want to get "there" so badly that we fail to see all that is around us on the journey - we fail to see all the growth taking place.  The people that are alongside us, the learning experiences, the chances to grow in wisdom or character, the opportunities to start practicing and trying out the skills that will one day be expected abilities.  If we get "there" but have not grown from the journey then is it worth getting there at all?  

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Have you ever had the "I'm better then you" battles with your siblings?  Imagine having Jesus as your brother.  You would never win the argument.

Jesus had a brother names James and after Jesus died, James wrote a book as part of the Bible.  In that book he says the following in James 1:2-4:
My fellow believers, when it seems as though you are facing nothing but difficulties see it as an invaluable opportunity to experience the greatest joy that you can! 3 For you know that when your faith is tested it stirs up power within you to endure all things. 4 And then as your endurance grows even stronger it will release perfection into every part of your being until there is nothing missing and nothing lacking.


Hardships are a reality and some days it feels as if forward progress is not possible.  Holding on to joy amid the suffering helps us develop the faith that we can and will make it through.  Our faith will help to develop our endurance which leads to being fully developed in every way.  

Living today and finding the gifts embedded within each day is an opportunity that will only come once ever.  You cannot get back time once it has passed.  Living a life of gratitude helps us find purpose in each day yet that is a daily choice.  We can choose to be grateful or choose to become the victim, wishing that things were different and choosing to throw in the towel because they are not.    

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It is good to have ambition, drive and a sense of purpose.  It is good to focus on where you are heading and have goals before you. Take risks, try new things, push yourself.

Don't miss out on being present in the moment you are in.  It is your current moments that make the future moments so much better.  The difficulties now will make the success later that much sweeter.  Each step of the way up Concepcion was a choice, a battle.  I questioned whether it was worth carrying on but once I reached that summit those questions disappeared.  

Take the next step!  You are where you are now for a reason.

So to answer the age old question "Are we there yet?" - Yes you are exactly in the there that you need to be in this moment.

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MAKING IT REAL

I always find that on any hike, the return portion seems to go faster.  Often it is because the scenery is familiar and you now have bearings for where you are at on the path.  When returning down the volcano I recognized certain trees, turns and rock formations.  Although it was not far in the past (a handful of hours) they were markers of the journey I had been on.

It is easy to look where you want to be.  We need the markers from the past to remind us of the journey we have been on so far and to encourage us at times to continue on.

Take some time to think through or discuss these questions with someone:
Thinking of your journey, what would your current self tell your past self?  1 week ago, 1 year ago, 5 years ago? 
Looking back, what are some of the highlights of your journey that stand out to you?
Thinking back to some of the times that you felt like giving up, what got you through?  Who got you through? 
What from those past experiences and struggles does your current self need to hear? 

When we are going through tough times, it is often easy to let people know our dissatisfaction with our current reality.  We will grumble and complain about how things should be.  Find someone that you trust and spend some time sharing with them what is currently good in your situation or how you at least made it to this place in your journey rather then quitting long ago.  This way they can encourage you and also know the ways they can help you when hard times come again. 

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Basic Math

I am not a mathematician.  Math was one of those classes that I endured and survived but not one that I naturally succeeded in. One math equation that most of us learn early on is 1+1=2.  It is very basic and very foundational for more complex math equations.

Without thinking about it, this simple math equation often crept into my every day life and the way I live.  If I do this, and then also do this then it should lead to a specific result.  Another way of looking at it is because I have done this and this, I now deserve this specific result.

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After 7 years of working at a church, I was gifted some time off (called a sabbatical) to reflect on the work I was doing, work on a project and prepare for the next stage of life and work.

Although I missed many of the summer routines that I had come to love like the youth summer trip to East Hastings in a 15 passenger van (and cranking the heat on them as they tried to sleep in the back...hehe) or the water fights and the giant plastic slip'n'slide, the time away for me was needed.  During the sabbatical I found some new passions stirring within me and direction for the work I was doing.

Upon returning to the church in the fall, I shared these news passions and ideas to find that although I was supported, these were not shared ideas and values by the leadership at the time.  This led me to a crossroads, do I stay and keep doing what I was doing or do I step away and pursue this newer direction that God had been stirring up within me?  

During the Christmas break of 2010, I sat down and wrote my resignation letter.  This was a tough decision yet a decision that I felt needed to be made at the time. By then I had already been at the church for seven and a half years as their youth pastor.  The average tenure for youth pastors is about one and a half years so I had well surpassed that time frame.  

This is where the basic math equation crept into my mind:  Because I have been a pastor for 7.5 years + I did a great job = a new pastor job will become available.  I deserved it after all didn't I?

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May 20, 2011 at around 7 pm I got a text.  It read something along the following lines "when you get back you have a job here, we will talk details when you return."   

I remember the day as that evening was my wedding rehearsal dinner.  When the decision was made in December to resign, I was already engaged.  My resignation at the church was not until June and I figured during that time a door would open up for a new job.  

The wedding rehearsal dinner was about 3 weeks from the end of my pastoral role and finally a door opened for a job.  The problem is, the math equation didn't work out the way it was supposed to.  8 years of pastoring by then plus doing a great job was supposed to lead to another pastoral position and ideally one that fit my passions.  God must not have gotten the memo as the mathematics equation he provided looked more like 1+1= purple.  

Mid-June after finishing at the church, I woke up early on a Monday morning (definitely not something I was used to doing as a youth pastor as Monday's had been my day off for the past 8 years), putting on a pair of steel toed boots and heading in to work at a warehouse.  For the next year and a half I would end up packing boxes with all sorts of items from helmets to pens, gloves to chain, spray paint and shoes. 

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In July of 2015 I had sent out 25 different resumes.  I was still applying for pastoral jobs but had now expanded my applications to anything that seemed fitting and was looking to hire.  I was finally called in to an interview for a job.  Near the end of the interview, I was told that I did not have the qualifications for the position...you think they would have been able to look at the resume beforehand and decipher that.

This was upsetting as the place seemed like it would be a great place to work.  I followed up and asked if there was any opportunities to volunteer with them in order to gain the experience I was lacking.  Well lucky for me, they didn't hear the word volunteer and brought me in for another interview and shortly after I was hired on for a different role within the company.

For the next 4.5 years this place would become a constant in my life; a place that I not only got paid to work but a place where I loved the work I got to do.  

Fast forward 4.5 years later.  Amidst a season of restructuring, I was called in to a meeting at the beginning of a shift.  I thought nothing of it as many of my co-workers had recently also had similar meetings.  Within 10 minutes of walking in to start my shift that day I was walking out the doors and my time of work there had ended.

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At the start of my 30's I was faced with not having a job and in a weird twist of fate that is how my 30th decade would also end.  This is not how I would have expected things to play out yet I learned a lot between these two events.

Although we don't often like to admit it, we feel that in life there are certain things that we deserve or that we are entitled to.  We know that suffering and pain is a reality of life but like to think that we are somehow immune from its presence in our own life.  Much of this way of thinking may stem from the reality that deep down we feel that we are good people and therefore deserve good things: 1+1=2.

Is it possible though that by living out life by this standard we are actually missing out on something?  Our interactions with others, the places we go, our health, the places we work and spend our free time, are they all due to the fact that we have earned these and are entitled to them.

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At the beginning of each year at our church, we draw an Epiphany word to help guide us and focus us spiritually through the coming year. Epiphany is celebrated 12 days after Christmas as a celebration of the Magi who showed up to celebrate Jesus and bring him gifts.  

In 2019 I made it to the front of the line and grabbed a word from the bowl.  Upon looking at it, tears started to well up in my eyes...I really wanted to take it back and grab a different word.  Although it was not a word that I wanted, I knew instantly I was meant to have that word.  For far too long I had lived life with an underlying sense of entitlement, living out the math equation of 1+1=2.

The word I drew that year was gratitude.

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James 4:13-15 says:
13 Listen, those of you who are boasting, “Today or tomorrow we’ll go to another city and spend some time and go into business and make heaps of profit!” 14 But you don’t have a clue what tomorrow may bring. For your fleeting life is but a warm breath of air that is visible in the cold only for a moment and then vanishes! 15 Instead you should say, “Our tomorrows are in the Lord’s hands and if he is willing we will live life to its fullest and do this or that.” (The Passion Translation)

Getting sucked into the trap of entitlement leads us to miss out on living a life of gratitude.  We do not know what tomorrow holds, how our health will be, will finances be there or if relationships will continue to be as they are.  When life does not go as expected or how "it should" we tend to become negative rather than seeing all the reasons to be grateful.  We feel God must be against us rather than seeing all the ways that He has blessed us.  

At the start of the decade I felt that God owed me a certain job yet at the end of the decade when finding myself losing a job I was able to see a new equation.

1+1 = gratitude.

Finding reason to be grateful is so much more freeing and a less burdensome way to live.  

Is losing a job a good thing? Nope.
Is having to search for a new job easy? Nope.
Do I have a lot of questions, worries and some fears? Yup.

Do I wish that my circumstances were different and a different reality was possible?  Yup.
Am I grateful for the opportunities that I have had?  You bet!

When we start to see each day and everything in it as a gift not something we are entitled to, it is then that we will find ourselves living lighter, freer and with more purpose.  

Gratitude is the start to seeing your life and the world around you differently. 

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MAKING IT REAL

For the next 30 days take the time to keep a daily gratitude journal.  Each day take the time to write out 3 things that you are grateful for from the last 24 hours.  If you find that you are listing the same things every day, challenge yourself to not repeat something you are grateful for more then once in a month.

One additional thing you can add to this journal is a looking forward component: what are 3 things that are coming up in the next 24 hours that you are looking forward to in advance...kind of like pre-gratitude.  This simple act helps you in to step into the day with a different mental focus.
For example, if you pick an upcoming staff meeting as one of the things that day you are looking forward to, it will change how you approach that time and your attitude before you even arrive at the meeting.  

It is a simple exercise yet helps you change the formula from living entitled to living grateful.