Making Hollandaise

What does the gas gauge look like in your vehicle?

Are you one of those drive the vehicle until the last possible minute before pulling into a gas station or the tank must be nowhere below the half a tank line people?

How about your life?  

Do you tend to go go go until you absolutely need a break or are you intentional about how you live staying topped up?

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My thirties was draining.  

Life took its toll and my life tank was on empty.  

I found that this reality gave me a choice: what was I going to do about it?

I could throw in the towel and become a Netflix binging recluse.

I could go out and be a grump all the time which would likely lead to self isolation as nobody would want to be around me.

Or, I could intentionally live my life and find things to top off the tank.

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In my twenties I remember going to the movies fairly regularly on Monday afternoons - and I went alone.  I had Mondays off while everyone else was in school or working.  

For some this may seem strange.  I remember thinking "why should I not get to live my life doing things I love because I am dependent on others.

Fast forward to my thirties and I was faced with that same reality.  

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I sat down and started doing research on possible trips I could take.  I knew I liked sports.  I knew I likes zoos.  So I started to research what zoos would be worth visiting and if there was any major sports in the area I could also watch.  I also wanted to go to new places I had not been to previously.

I found the trip that fit my list.

In June of 2016 I hopped onto a plane and took off for a vacation.  Not long after, I landed in my destination - Cincinnati Ohio.  Yes you read that right!!  Of all the places to visit I chose to go to Ohio.  

The Harambe memorial ad the Cincinnati Zoo.

I went to the Harambe memorial (I was there a a couple of weeks after that whole debacle) at the Cincinnati zoo and then enjoyed the Columbus zoo, Toledo Zoo and then Cleveland zoo.  I also got to walk around the outside of Cleveland Cavaliers stadium for game 5 of the NBA finals. My final stop was then in Pittsburgh where I spent a couple of days going to and enjoying the US Open Major golf tournament (Yup, golf!!).  

My seat on the 18th hole...watching Dustin Johnson win it!!

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As much as my trip was about the experience it was about much more.  

The tank was empty.  Going on this trip alone, in spite of my circumstances, was a way for me to put a little bit back into the tank.  The trips would not change my circumstances or reality. 

From the periphery, there was nothing overly spiritual about my trip.  I wrote in my journal at one point on the trip asking God what brought a smile to His face or what brought Him delight during the trip?  The answer I got was me just being in the car...fully present in that moment.  It was a good reminder to just be in the moment I was in.  God did not over crowd my mind with thoughts or to-do lists.  Instead, He just gave me time to be present doing the things I needed to do - walking around zoos, watching golf, silence.  His way with me was gentle, simple, easy, unforced, loving.

Matthew 11:28-30:
Are you tired? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. I’ll show you how to take a real rest. Walk with me and work with me—watch how I do it. Learn the unforced rhythms of grace. I won’t lay anything heavy or ill-fitting on you. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live freely and lightly.” (The Message)

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I wanted to pastor yet those doors had not yet opened.  I enjoyed preaching and loved any opportunity I had to share.  I had many opportunities to speak at youth camps during several summers.  

Why were the doors not opening?

Was I not good at speaking?

Was I missing something?

Was I supposed to be doing something else with my life?

What was I prepared to do about?

That last question is the one that put the ball in my court.  

I could give up.

I could get angry and upset due to the situation.

I could grumble and complain to others about my situation.

Or, I could choose to learn and grow during the time.

I started taking courses on preaching.  I started reading books on speaking and public communication.  

Although I enjoyed speaking, I realized I needed to find my voice, my style, my purpose in speaking.  I did not know it all and had a lot to still learn in the area.  

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Working at a family homeless shelter can help bring perspective to life.  Trying to encourage and help people who are experiencing homelessness for various reasons comes with obvious challenges.

One of my favorite aspects to the role was supper times.  As families were waiting to get their food or were eating, I would go around to the tables and ask the children what the highlight of their day was.  Most of the kids would process and think through the question and then come up with an answer: recess, lunch time, math class, we went swimming today.  

You would think that in a homeless shelter where people's privacy is minimized, freedoms are reduced and the overwhelming stresses from life are piled up that the situation would be uber depressing.

In that moment you see a kid run by with a group of others in pursuit as they are playing a game.  You yell out "stop running" but secretly are also excited that the kids are having fun and playing together.  

Elf on a Shelf showed up near Christmas time to watch the kids and they loved finding him hiding somewhere in the hallway area.  One of the kids loved it so much that he made his own paper cut out elves that he hid all over his family space.  

When a family first came in, some of the kids were nervous and had their reservations staying close to their parent.  As they soon saw other kids playing and having fun, they let their guard down and soon joined in on the action.

In a place that is not meant to be happy, kids found a way to fill the space with joy.  Their laughter, their play, their energy.

Unknown to them, they were choosing a better life.  They were choosing to make a tough situation into something more meaningful.

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In the book You are Awesome by Neil Pasricha he refers to a survey done of 19,000 people.  The tests asked subjects about how much they had changed in the past decade and how much they would change in the next decade. 

The results surprised everyone!!

People across the board believed that they had changed a lot in the past but that things would stay the same in the future.  

Life may have sucked then but things would remain good in the future.  

That obviously is not the case.  

The cup will drain again.  

The crap will hit the fan.

Our identity will be rattled again and forced to find itself and redefine itself.  

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When life gives you lemons, learn to make Hollondaise sauce.

We often want the world given to us and feel that we are deserving.  

Why can't we have Eggs Benedict all the time?  

Sometimes, it is on us to take the ingredients in life that we are given and to put them together to create and Eggs Benedict.  Choosing to put the ingredients life gives us together is not always easy.  I

When life's cup is empty, choose to go and do things that will fill it back up.

When doors are not opening, take the opportunity to learn and grow.  

When it seems like you are hitting the bottom, learn to play tag and see the daily reason for joy.

What choices do you need to make today to live life better?  Choosing to make and enjoy Eggs Benedict.

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MAKING IT REAL

Everyday we are faced with choice after choice: do I push snooze, what will I wear, eat, do I run this orange light, do I exercise today.

Some of our choices are intentional and we consciously make them and some of our choices become second nature and we no longer think about it as a choice.  Choosing to top off our life tank is a conscious decision that nobody will force us to make.  The world will keep asking of you and will not stop to let you fill up.  That is up to you.

Take some time to write out a list of what fills your tank. 

What are some daily things you can do to fill the tank?  weekly? yearly?

You may not be a planner but in this case it is good to do so. How can you put those tank fillers into a regular rhythm in your life making sure to keep the tank topped off.  (this is a good thing to make a regular habit so that when life gets difficult, you have created the rhythms in life that bring you joy)

It is good to figure these things out for yourself but even better to do them with others.  Talk to a friend or family member about what your tank fillers are.  Then make that a regular part of your practice together.  Going on a walk may not be your thing but making a homemade meal is.  Go on a walk with the friend and then make the meal together, sharing in each others joys. 

In the same way that the world will keep asking of you, often it won't slow down the pace to let you take some time to learn and grow.  Often you are expected to know things and to keep up with the pace but you are not given the time to do so.

What can you do in this next season to be a learner? 

What are 5 books you can order to read by this Christmas?

Is there a course, training, workshop or class you can take?

It may not be just for professional development, maybe you have always wanted to take a cooking class or get golf lessons or learn how to do an oil change.

Who can you learn and grow with?   Maybe it is a book club, committing to read something that challenges you both and then working through it together.  Take a course with someone and find some accountability in the learning process.  

Identity Quest

I have been on the top of two volcanoes.  A previous blog post describes my first adventure to the top of a volcano.  

After a year of separation, in the fall of 2016 the divorce papers were filed and approved by the courts.  

In September, my mom threw out a question to our family: do we want to go to Hawaii for Christmas this year instead of the usual traditional Christmas? 

For me the answer was easy: YES!!  A chance to travel, to get away, to snorkel, to be away from some of the normal routine and get a chance to catch my breath from all that year represented.  

I did my research on what to do in Maui and found out about the Haleakala Crater.  It is an old volcano.  Looking at photos I saw the option of watching a sunrise or sunset from the top of the volcano.

We were going to Maui from the 26th - 3rd which meant we would be there for new years.  Realizing this, I decided I would start 2017 on top of a volcano.

I got up early on new years day and drove across the island to get to Haleakala.  I found a parking spot and waited for a while until the sunrise was close.  

I watched the sunrise off in the distance above the clouds and ocean.  It was my prayer that the year to follow would be one of healing, renewed hope and finding my identity.  During 2016 my identity crumbled and I was desperate to find myself once again.

Little did I know at that moment, my quest to find my lost identity would be a process that would continue on into 2018 as well

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I remember sitting on the steps on May 21st talking to my roommate.  I was struggling that year and found myself in a dark place.  I said to him that morning "I feel like I am listening to these tapes over and over inside my head."

That morning was a Sunday and after a few months of contemplating, I decided to check out a new church.

I walked in and enjoyed the gathering.  It was like a lot of other churches in many ways.  People were friendly, the music was good as was the preaching.

At the end of their gathering, they did things a bit differently.  Often churches have a prayer team that is available for those that would like prayer, usually requiring you to come to the front and seek them out.  At this church they have a ministry time where all people are invited to pray for whoever they feel led to pray for.  Being new, I wasn't going to approach anyone at this time so sat quietly and watched for a few moments.  I got up to put my cup away and head out.

There was only a few people I knew there that morning.  As I got up, one of these people approached me with a couple of friends and said that she had felt the need to pray for me. She asked if there was anything going on specifically that they could pray for.

That morning I had knots in my stomach due to the date.  I let them know that it would have been my 6th wedding anniversary but was now divorced.

They began to pray.  A guy I did not know at the time began to pray and started praying that I would be able to let go of the shame and guilt I was holding on to.  His wife prayed afterwards and said the following "Andreas, I feel like you are listening to some tapes over and over in your head.  You need to stop listening to those tapes."

WHAT??  How did she know of that mornings conversation I had with my roommate?

God was continuing to chip away at my identity and help me to once again see who I was.

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In June I boarded a plane and was on my way to the Midwest in the States for a zoo tour.  I needed to get away and spend some time doing some things that I loved and also time to just be on my own and think.  

My trip included 5 more zoos, my first MLB game (at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs) and my first MLS game (watching Bastian Schweinsteiger and the Chicago Fire).  I also got to see the firehouse from one of my favorite TV shows Chicago Fire.  I started in Chicago, headed south to St. Louis, west to Kansas City and then north to Omaha.  

On the drive between St Louis and Kansas city I started to process my identity further.  When people ask me who I am how would I define myself?  What are the key things they would need to know?

I sat down in a park and started to write out some of the descriptors I would attach to myself.

It was interesting to see how many of the descriptors I used to define myself were actually negative: 

-former pastor     -divorced     -childless     -fatherless     -lonely     -out of shape     -single...again 

They were limiting me and holding me back.  I was allowing these words to define my identity and they became the tapes that I played over inside my head.

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At the Epiphany Feast in 2018, I lined up to get my word from the bowl.  This again is a practice at our church where you draw a word for the year as a guiding word.  We trust that the word is not just random but that God actually helps us draw a word that He desires for us that year to help shape and form us.

I made it to the front of the line and drew out my word.  

The word I had drawn was generosity.

Well that's interesting.  At first glance, I wasn't really sure what the word was supposed to mean for me.  

My friends comments were "Andreas, you are one of the most generous guys I know." (those are nice words to hear...yet also not giving more insight into the meaning of the word).

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In March, I found myself once again sitting on the couch visiting my counselor (once again, find a counselor if you don't already have one).

Through the conversation I was led to the realization that I am a giver that struggles to receive.  I want to give back.  I want to make sure others are cared for.  I am loyal and will give to others even to my own detriment at times.  

It is one thing to be generous but what does it mean to receive generosity from others.

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An hour after my counseling session I was laying on a massage bed.  It was a new massage therapist that I had not seen before.  The thoughts that came forth from my counseling session were still echoing around my head.

The massage therapist was great at what she did but also got into forms of spirituality that I was not as comfortable with.  A lot of what was said I had to filter out.

As she worked her way onto my arms she said a statement that did stick with me: "You have really tight forearms.  You really seem to be holding on to a lot of things.  You need to let things go."  

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Finding your identity can be a struggle at the best of times.  There are always outside forces trying to shape us and dictate who we become: buy this, wear this, eat hear, look a certain way, act a certain way.  

Beyond the external voices that are trying to shape our identity, there is the ongoing internal struggle.  

We listen to tapes in our head that often tell us lies about our identity and mislead us from who we were actually created to be.  

We allow ourselves to be defined by our flaws, failures including where we fail to measure up to expectations (whether our own or of others). 

We struggle to truly receive from others.  The tapes we play often dictate that we are not worthy.  Other times, knowing that we are struggling with identity, we try to prove to others that we do not need their help and that we are doing fine.  Intentionally closing ourselves off from receiving becomes a coping mechanism to guard others from seeing the true reality of what is going on inside.

We hold on tightly to the hurt, the pain, the past, the failures and we struggle to loosen the grip and let things go.  

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Generosity was the word that marked my year in 2018.  

Kim shared a thought with me that maybe the word wasn't a challenge for me to be more generous.  Maybe God was wanting to be generous to me.  

What did that even mean?  I had been through so many valleys and tough times.  I was broken and had a tough past.  

She then pointed me towards the Japanese art of Kitsugi.  Kintsugi, also known as Kintsukuroi, is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.

God was (and continues to) mending me back together into a beautiful work of art.  The broken pieces are part of the story but on their own do not do not form my identity.  

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Healing is not immediate.  The search to re-find identity takes time.  Learning to tune out the old tapes and start playing new tapes is a learning process.  

It takes the support of friends and loved ones.  It means trust in others and also learning and being able to trust yourself.  The process leads to starting to believe in yourself and that you matter.  Being willing to ask for help, professionally or from others in your life.  

One of the most important parts to finding yourself is learning to trust in God.  It means being real with Him and also honest.  God can take our honesty and in fact desires that from us.  There is no need to try to hide from Him how we are feeling and how we are doing.  

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One of my highlights of all of my thirties was being invited to speak at summer camps. It was great to journey with youth over the course of the week.

My favorite day of camp was always the final evening session. After the talk, the students would gather around in a circle in their cabin groups. They would then select one individual in the group and speak words of life to them. They would speak encouragements, identity, things that they saw in that person. There was one catch though, the person in the chair could not respond, they just had to sit their and receive the blessing from their friends.

After the words of encouragement were done, they would proceed to wash the feet of that individual. Yes, I know that sounds kind of gross and weird.

This whole idea comes from Jesus at his final supper with his closest 12 friends. After the dinner, he went and grabbed a wash basin and towel. He then went around the entire table and washed his friends feet. Back in those days, they wore sandals and their feet would have been quite dirty by the end of the day.

John 13:12-17 says:After washing their feet, he put his robe on and returned to his place at the table. “Do you understand what I just did?” Jesus said. 13 “You’ve called me your teacher and lord, and you’re right, for that’s who I am. 14–15 So if I’m your teacher and lord and have just washed your dirty feet, then you should follow the example that I’ve set for you and wash one another’s dirty feet. Now do for each other what I have just done for you. 16 I speak to you timeless truth: a servant is not superior to his master, and an apostle is never greater than the one who sent him. 17 So now put into practice what I have done for you, and you will experience a life of happiness enriched with untold blessings!”  (TPT)

Jesus should not have been washing other people's feet.  He deserved to have his feet washed.  Instead he set the example for us and asks us to now do the same for others.  Washing each others feet and getting down and serving others needs is the path to blessing.  Want to get blessed and find your identity?  Start taking care of other people and their needs. You don't necessarily have to physically wash your friends feet all the time (although there may be a time and place for that).  Foot washing is also symbolic of being willing to do the tough things to serve each others needs.  

At the camps when we did this it was interesting to see the healing that took place in that moment.  Tears flowed as friends spoke words over each other and then cleaned each others feet.  One camper even responded after by saying "Thanks.  We have all been friends for so many years but have never been that honest with each other."

Man, don't let that be true for your friendships...speak identity to those in your life ALL THE TIME!!  

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During my season of lost identity, I also lost sight of my life verse.  John 10:10 says:
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I love how the new Passion Translation puts it this way:

A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect—life in its fullness until you overflow!
God desires to be generous with us!!

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One of the most generous things that happened to me in 2018 was my marriage to Kim.  She was (and is) a true gift and has helped affirm my identity and who I was created to be.  

The healing continues and God's goodness continues to be on display each day as we continue on life's journey together.

photo credit to Anne Teno

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MAKING IT REAL

Being honest with yourself can be challenging.  If you are going to move forward, it helps to do a personal assessment at times. 

Take some time for yourself to get away and find a quiet place.  Bring along some paper or a journal.

Spend some time reflecting on the following question: Who am I?  Write out all the thoughts that come to mind.  What are the positive things that make you you and what are some of the struggles or negative aspects you would use to define yourself.

After some reflection on that question, ask the following question: God, who do you see me as?  Maybe take a walk and listen for the answer.  For me it usually just comes as a thought inside my head but is gentle in nature and speaks beyond my ears and more into the depth of who I am.

How does who God says you are differ from who you see yourselves as?  Are there tapes you are listening to that you need to get rid of?  Are there things you are holding on to that you need to loosen the grip of?  Are you willing to receive God generosity towards you...which is beyond your expectation and would leave you overflowing?

Now take it even one step further.  Talk to a couple of close friends or family who know you well.  Ask them to do you a favor.  Have them write you a letter as to who they see when they see you...what is the identity that they see.  Once they have written a letter to you, have them pull up a chair facing you...nothing in between just face to face with each other.  Have them read it out loud to you.  Of course I want to throw the hard part at you as well.  You are not allowed to say anything while they are reading...just receive their words.  Receive their generosity.  

This can be done with a small group of friends as well, each taking turns sharing words of hope and love to each other as long as the recipient sits quietly in that moment and just receives.  If you want to throw foot washing on after blessing each other with words then that is great.  Also, make sure to pray for each other as this can be a real holy moment where heaven crashes down and is present among you.  (You may even want to do something like this as a family.  Or consider incorporating something along these lines into family birthdays...don't just hang out...give blessings and speak identity).  

OJ and Bennies

What is your favorite restaurant?
What is your favorite thing to order at a restaurant?

 I enjoy eating out and trying new places...and then writing reviews about them on Tripadvisor.

Quick aside: I am in the top 1% of contributors in Calgary. I have had over 320,000 reads (way more then this blog) on my 265 reviews.  I'm pretty much internet famous and you knew before I was big.  I won't let it go to my head.  Oh, and if you would like to follow me you can do so HERE (end of shameless plug).

So, back to restaurants.  I enjoy eating out but in particular really enjoy eating out at breakfast.  I am not an early riser or a morning person but breakfast restaurants make getting up worthwhile.

When it comes to breakfast at restaurants and my rating of if they are a good restaurant or not I often will use one food as my gauge: Eggs Benedict.  If I am there for breakfast for the first time and it is on their menu, there is a really good chance I will be trying the Benny.  In case you happen to be looking for the best eggs Benedict in Calgary, you can find it at the Blue Star Diner.

Of course to go alongside the Benny you need a good breakfast drink - OJ is the choice of champions for this.

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The waiter brings by your OJ and says those words "your order will be out shortly."

Well since it is coming quickly, you may as well enjoy a few sips of the OJ.  Just a few sips here, another quick sip, one more sip for good measure.

When you look down at the cup you realize it is half gone and your meal still isn't here.

The cup is half empty.

Isn't that how it often feels in life??

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Life seems to find a way to be drained away.  Yes there is good but it seems like those easily become overshadowed by the tough times.

Life was going well for me coming into my thirties.  I had high hopes, plans, goals that would define the decade for me.

At first it didn't seem like too much was disappearing from the cup.  I couldn't find a job pastoring and ended up in a warehouse - it isn't that bad.  At least it is a job and I am getting paid.

The drain continued to happen - wow, its been a year and a half in a warehouse and still no signs of getting out.

And a bit more drain - I am working on my Masters and not even that is opening up doors for a job.  On top of that, it is now affecting our marriage which is falling apart.

The cup starts to drain so easily and once it starts it goes quickly.

For some of us, we are faced with life and a half empty cup.  For others, it seems like the cup running on empty - just a few sips left and it is all gone.

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John the Baptist was in jail.  It would not be a stretch to say that his cup was close to empty.  He heard what Jesus was up to and sent some of his close friends to connect with Jesus.

John's friends showed up and asked Jesus for a message to give to John.  Jesus shares some words for John that He would have likely heard growing up.  Jesus says in Matthew 11:5-6:

‘The blind see again, the crippled walk, lepers are cured, the deaf hear, the dead are raised back to life, and the poor and broken now hear of the hope of salvation!’ 6 And tell John that the blessing of heaven comes upon those who never lose their faith in me - no matter what happens!”
Jesus quotes the prophets to point to the work that he is doing.

How encouraging, hey?  All the work John did to prepare the way for Jesus was now happening.  Blind are given sight, the poor are being cared for, dead people are even coming back to life.   And to think, John got to help prepare people for this.

To the outsider this seems great: "John, you did great.  Keep the faith and finish strong."

My guess is that when John heard these words he broke out in tears - and they were not happy or I feel encouraged tears.

What John heard Jesus say was actually based on what Jesus did not say.

In Jesus response to John, he is referring to well know passages like Isaiah 61: 

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me,
because the Lord has anointed me
to proclaim good news to the poor.
He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted,
to proclaim freedom for the captives
and release from darkness for the prisoners,

The captives will be set free, prisoners released from darkness.  

John is in jail.  He would have a desire to be free again.  Surely now that the one the prophets spoke of (Jesus) is here, he would get out of jail.  

That would not be the case.  Jesus did not promise a "Get out of Jail" card to John in his response.  

The words instead that John would have to hold on to were "the blessing of heaven comes upon those who never lose their faith in me - no matter what happens!" (Matthew 11:6)

Poor John!
I picture him and his struggle. 
Hearing that his empty cup would not be topped off. 
Instead he would have to stay in prison and soon after die as part of a party favor. 

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How are you feeling about the cup you are carrying?
What level is your cup at? 
Full?
Half full?
Close to empty?
Dry and struggling to hold on?

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We get so focused on the cup and how empty it is that we lose sight of something more important: 

You did not come to the restaurant for a cup of OJ,  THERE IS AN EGGS BENEDICT ON THE WAY!!

Yes the cup may be empty and the struggles are real but the eggs Benny is so much better to enjoy and focus on.

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Moments before Jesus would be arrested and killed, he was in a garden praying.  Listen to the words he said (Matthew 26:39):
“My Father! If it is possible, let this cup of suffering be taken away from me. Yet I want your will to be done, not mine.”

Jesus had a cup that he wanted taken away.  

His cup was close to empty knowing what was ahead, the suffering that he was about to endure.

Jesus never walked away from the suffering.  

He did not run from what was ahead.  

Because Jesus was willing to endure the cross, the cup was taken care of.

Yes, pain, struggle and pain still remain.

The focus does not need to be one these.

Jesus made it possible for us to stop focusing on the cup and to sit down and enjoy a plate of eggs Benedict instead.

Our focus can be on the hope we now have.

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When Kim and I were planning our wedding, we found out that the venue we were looking to have our reception at also had a brunch seating option.  

Who doesn't love a good brunch?  

Why not have a brunch for a wedding reception?

It didn't hit me at first.  

We would have the typical brunch buffet: scrambled eggs, sausage, pancakes, and fruit.  

Beyond this, we were given the choice to add something a bit more to our buffet menu:

Wedding eggs Benedict!!

Yup, we had eggs Benedict at our wedding!!

In the days leading up to the wedding, I remember hearing God say to me:

Andreas, you may have had an empty cup in this last season...but there was an eggs Benedict for you.

That wedding day was truly an eggs Benedict day...a reminder that hope is possible no matter how empty the cup may have been.  

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I don't know what you are going through, have gone through or will have to go through.  Life is not easy and definitely comes with its struggles.  

A continual focus on the cup distracts you from the hope that is yours.  Jesus took care of the cup.

There is an eggs Benedict on the way!!  

It is your choice what you choose to focus on - the cup or the meal.

May you hold on to hope, not losing your faith in spite of the circumstances and enjoying the eggs Benedict.

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MAKING IT REAL

There is a lot of talk about food in this post so lets start off with something practical: make yourself a nice breakfast meal.  It doesn't matter if it it morning, noon or evening.  It is always a good time to enjoy some breakfast foods - some eggs, bacon, pancakes, waffles or if you are truly adventurous some eggs Benedict.

Find a nice spot to sit down and enjoy your meal.  Make sure to pour yourself a nice glass of something (OJ is my recommendation but if you prefer something a bit more adultish or something more like milk then go ahead).

As you sip your drink, think through your story one more time. Drink your beverage down to the level that you feel your life is at in this moment.  As you enjoy the taste of your drink, listen to those words of Jesus "Not my will but yours be done."  He took the cup so that it no longer had to be your problem.  Look at the cup you have and the level it it filled to.  

What does it mean to you that Jesus was willing to suffer and die so that your own pain and struggle would not need to be carried by you any longer?  

As you enjoy your meal, ask God the following question:

Where is the eggs Benedict in my life?

I pray you hear the whisper of God as you eat and drink.  May you find comfort, peace and hope regardless of the circumstances.  May you feel the burden and heaviness of life be lifted off of your shoulders as you hear the invite from God saying "Sit down, lets eat together. There is room at my table for you and I am here to take care of you because I love you."

Island Hunters

I thought I was going to die!!

I was not ready to die nor was this the way I wanted to die (not that I really have a choice when that day comes).

A sense of adventure and a desire for an amazing experience had led to me out into the ocean.  Now I found myself out way too far from shore to get back, my energy was depleted and each stroke was getting more and more challenging.

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I remember fondly the first time I entered the water with a snorkel.  I hopped off the back of the large catamaran in Key West Florida and discovered a whole new world.  The colors, the variety, the calm beneath the surface.

Getting used to breathing the first few times was a challenge.  The taste of salt water in the mouth and throat initially makes you want to quit and get back on the boat.  On top of that, the snorkels that they lend you on most excursions are basically glorified straws.  Their is no valve at the top to decrease the water coming down the tube which means you get generous tastes of the water as each wave comes by and each time your tilt and turn your head.

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Moray eel - Maui

First time snokeling - Key West Florida

Not having snorkeled until my thirties, I have now snorkeled in Key West, the Virgin Islands, Honduras, Cuba, Mexico, Jamaica and Hawaii.

Some of the highlights from underwater are squid, octopus, moray eels, barracuda, starfish, turtles, rays, jellyfish and man-o-wars (the last two were not as pleasant especially getting stung).

Turtle - Mexico

two starfish - Cuba

Fish - Roatan Honduras

large coral head - Jamaica

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Last summer Kim and I took off to Oahu for a ten day trip of relaxation, sun, great food and for me a lot of snorkeling.  We started in Honolulu where we snorkeled at Hanauma Bay, one of the most popular snorkeling locations in Hawaii.  There was a lot of fish but also a lot of people which made it a bit more difficult to maneuver and fully enjoy the moment.

After doing the Pillbox hike to watch the sunrise, we headed down to Lanikai beach (east side of Oahu).  Much different then the previous snorkeling time, we basically had the beach to ourselves.  I headed out and soon found out why nobody else was snorkeling here.  Their was a strong wind which caused for minimal visibility in the water as the sand was being stirred up.  On the way back in to shore, I felt a tingling/burning all over my forehead and cheeks - much like if you got stung by a wasp added to the weird sensation you get from licking a battery.  I found out upon reaching shore that the wind had blown in a bunch of man-o-wars which look a lot  like jellyfish but float along the surface and are blown in by strong winds (once again why not a lot of people were swimming that morning).  On top of that inconvenience, while trying a local remedy of rubbing berries on my forehead, a guy stole my snorkel.

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It started with another ordinary trip into the water.  I found an area that was not too crowded and based on my online research found the area that should have the most fish present.  We were at Waimea Bay which is primarily known for the large cliff jumping rock and its winter surfing - it wasn't the best snorkeling location compared to others along the North Shore.

Along the west side of the bay I followed along the edge of some large rocks.  In my ears I could hear some high pitched screeches under water but could not see anything.  It sounded like dolphins but those could be quite a ways off.

As I came around a bend I saw it, a large turtle grabbing some air along the surface before heading back down below to eat and get more rest.  I followed the turtle for a few moments and enjoyed how easily it glided through the water.

After the turtle disappeared I continued my swim.  There was a couple of other snorkelers near by and I alerted them to the nearby turtle.  They were not as excited as I thought they should be and instead they said some words that would get my brain racing.  "That's cool, thanks.  We saw you and were going to try and call you over.  There was just some dolphins right here."

I was that close to swimming with dolphins in the wild and I missed it.  That would be an amazing bucket list item that I didn't even have on my bucket list.

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Sitting down on the towel I told Kim about my adventure.  I had been in the water for over 30 minutes and shared about the turtle and the missed dolphin experience.  I ate a granola bar and looked out at the water silently.

In the distance, there was a stand up paddle boarder, a couple of kayaks and two snorkelers.  That's when I saw the splash...dolphins!!

After a few minutes of watching I grabbed my snorkel and let Kim know I was heading out.

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The paddle boarder had stopped to talk on her way back and asked if I needed a lift back.  I had not yet made it out to the dolphins but she said I was close.  I said I was fine and proceeded further.  I came up to the two other snorkelers who now were also heading back.  They said the dolphins were close and proceeded to flipper their way back to shore - this may be a time to mention that I don't typically use flippers when snorkeling as I find they often hinder you from getting closer to the reefs when closer to shore which at this moment I was not. 

Post flip splash...hard to capture in real time.
Note the distance from shore.

After a few more minutes I saw a splash.  A smaller baby dolphin performed a couple of private tricks for me - a back flip followed plus a spinning twist out of the water.  The closest they got was about 25 feet yet still they were close enough for me to see them coming out of the water as they swam around me.

You can see the dorsal fins popping out of the water

distant dolphins underwater

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"What an amazing experience.  It will be so great to tell people about this" I thought as I headed back towards shore.  The adrenaline of getting to swim with dolphins and all the energy expenditure of getting out to them was now starting to ware me down.  I would swim back for a minute or two and then take a few moments to catch my breath.  I remember getting an energy burst so I gave it my all for a good minute only to look up and see that the waves had spun me around and I was swimming away from the beach.

What was I going to do?
How was I going to get back to the beach?

I did not have enough energy to make it back the whole way.
I remember thinking, maybe the dolphins will sense my distress and come back and push me to shore.

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There it was.
A small island.
I didn't have much energy left but maybe I could make it to the island.

The island was a lava rock sticking out from the water.  It was jagged and sharp.
I recalled videos of people getting smashed against rocks and getting injured so I planned my approach carefully finding the side of the island that appeared the safest.

I fought my way to the island, slowly.  The snorkel was malfunctioning and breathing through it became challenging.

I threw my hand up on top of the rock and waited for a wave to help propel me upward from the water so I could get up.  I felt a prick in my finger and blood began to flow.  I pulled myself up and was out of the water, blood now pouring down my hand.  A sea urchin was hidden in the rock and as I pulled myself up I had touched its pointy spines which broke off in my skin.

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I sat there for a few minutes just getting my breath.  I laid back on the jagged rocks.  I had made it to the island.  I was alive.  My mind began to race.

What had I done?
What will I do?
How will I get back the rest of the way?

In that moment all remaining energy in my body surged out of me and was gone.  I could not make it back and I needed help.

I started to wave my arms hoping that the lifeguard would come to my rescue, finding even waving my arms at this time was tiring and difficult. Why had they not come earlier?  Could they not see that I was struggling?  Why are they not coming now as I stand on this little island waving for their help?

A helicopter tour came up the coastline. I started waving my arms hoping they would send for help. No help would come as they carried on further up the beach clueless to my need for rescue.

Scanning the coastline I saw a house.  There was a couple of people on the deck painting.  I began to yell "help" as loud as I could, mustering any strength I had left in my breath.  They eventually looked my way.  They then shrugged at me lifting their arms and turned and continued to work.

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Would the tide come in soon?
Would my island be covered forcing me to swim again?
Is there a rip tide in the area?  The water appeared to be flowing away from shore.
How would I swim through the strong currents?

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Have you ever felt like you are drowning?
Life is too big.
It is swallowing you.
Your energy is disappearing and you don't know how you will ever make it back to safety.

Finances.
Relationships.
Hopelessness.
An empty future.
The haunting past.
Loss of a loved one.
Lack of recognition.
Stuck.
Helpless.
Brokenness.
Abandonment.
Alone.

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As I was swimming hoping to make it to the beach, thoughts bounced back and forth between survival and fear.  It is amazing the power of the mind in these instances.  Although physically I was way beyond my limit, my body held up.  My mind is where the real battle took place.  For the next weeks and sporadically over the next few months my mind would take me back to reliving those incidents.  The retelling of the story in my mind tended to focus on the moments in the water, the fear, the struggle, the reality of being that close to the end.  The what ifs tended to take over my mind and the focus of my thoughts. 

Reliving this story was tough as I continued to battle with the thoughts.  After a visit to my counselor (seriously, if you don't have a counselor go and visit one) she helped me with a new perspective.

Rather then viewing the incident as isolated segments, the story needs to be viewed in its entirety.
I have a sense of adventure and that has led me to many great experiences.
I took a risk for the outcome feeling it would be worthwhile.
I had the energy and strength to get out there.
I was able to experience the dolphins in their natural habitat.
My mind was strong enough to tell me it was time to head back in rather then staying longer and prolonging the stay.
Although my body was fatigued, I had the stamina and strength to keep swimming.
My body did not give up on me physically.
I was aware enough to process my options and saw the island and made a wise decision.
I remembered videos of the dangers of waves and rocks and got on the rock safely - even if it meant touching the urchin.
I was able to recognize that I needed help and was willing to cry out for it.

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I don't want to downplay people's struggles and situations.  As stated in the previous blog, sometimes life sucks and tears are the only answer.  I also don't mean to downplay the fact that some people may not survive their battles for various reasons.

Amid your struggle (current or past), what is your island?
What is the island that you found in the middle of the big bad ocean that tried to swallow you up?
What is the place that helped you get dry for a few minutes?
The place that helped you get a quick reprieve from the waves and the waters around you?

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After some time on the island, I made the decision it was time to attempt to get to the shore.  The main beach was too far however closer to the house (with the unhelpful painters) there was a rocky shoreline that I could swim toward.  There was a small channel I would need to cross before reaching the rocks which I could then climb up and walk back along the coastline getting closer to the beach before swimming the last little bit.

Looking at the water, I did not know which way it was flowing.  I would be out of site of the lifeguard tower and could be swept away to see.  I would not be able to see the beach as I would be hidden behind other little islands and rocks.

I needed to get back into the water and I needed to fight with all my strength to get there.

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After walking along the rocks and getting closer to the beach, I entered the water one last time to swim the last 100 meters to the shore.  I walked out of the water fatigued but alive.  Within a few steps I saw Kim quickly walking towards me, tears pouring down her face.

We embraced.  We cried.  I apologized.
The reality of what just happened sank in even deeper.

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I found part of my healing from this incident came through a song.  The lyrics are simple and yet very fitting.

The island - after swimming across the final channel to get back to shore.
Song by Brian Doerksen.

You are my rock (or island) in times of trouble.  You lift me when I fall down (or am drowning).

Tears flowed the first time we sang this song.  I realized that in my adventure I was not alone.  I was guided through the waters.  I was given the stamina and strength.  My mind was with it enough to see the island and head in that direction.

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I made it back to the beach because there is still more of my story that needs to play out.

I did not know at the time but I had swum a total of 3050 meters that day.  I was in the water for 88 minutes swimming including my initial encounter with the turtle.

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You are not alone in your battle whatever it may be.  You may feel alone.  You may not feel God near you.  You may feel abandoned by him.  You may not even believe He is even out there.

You are stronger then you know!
You are a fighter and you can make it through the battle.
Scan the waters and look for the island.
God is with you in the waters, giving you strength behind each stroke, giving you eyes to see the island, the energy needed to make the final swim back to the beach.

You too can make it to the beach.

For some of us we made it to the beach yet we are still living life mentally in the water - staying stuck in that moment.  Get the help you need to heal from the past and leave it in the past - learning from it but moving on at the same time.

Don't just look at the struggle itself (I know easier said then done) but view the whole of the story including the fact that you made it to the beach for .  There are moments where hope showed up in your story and you may not have noticed it.  You have made it through for a purpose.

A passage of scripture that is of comfort to me and connects to the struggle is found in Matthew 11:28-30:

28 “Are you weary, carrying a heavy burden? Then come to me. I will refresh your life, for I am your oasis. 29 Simply join your life with mine. Learn my ways and you’ll discover that I’m gentle, humble, easy to please. You will find refreshment and rest in me. 30 For all that I require of you will be pleasant and easy to bear.” (TPT)
May you find the oasis (or island) amid the struggle and eventually find your way back to the beach where you can live with a God who is gentle, humble and desires to refresh you and give you rest.

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MAKING IT REAL

Take a few minutes and listen to Faithful One:  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8lhLiLXS5qQ

Take some time to reflect on your own life and some of the struggles that you have had to navigate.  What got you through?
Looking back, what were the islands amid the storm or struggle?
Who were the people that came alongside you to help?
My counselor helped me to see the whole story and not just that I almost drowned.  What is your full story?


* As a side note...it is also important to note that at some point you may need to get into the water and have another adventure.  Don't let the past dictate your future and hold you back.  Learn from it but don't lose site of living and the adventure.
A couple of days after my dolphin encounter, I boarded a boat which took us out 3 miles from shore where I was able to have this adventure:

swimming with sharks - no cage!!

four sharks...not as intimidating as you would think!!

Tear Jar Warehouses

Gratitude is important to battle against entitlement which easily slips into our lives and tries to take control.  Gratitude gives us perspective of the bigger picture.  Choosing to be grateful allows us to look at the past to gain some perspective and walk towards the future with hope to grasp onto tightly.

The struggle with gratitude is that at times it feels like it is so deeply barried beneath the reality of the life we are having to live. 

What do you do when there seems to be no hope?  

What about when you feel like things can not get any worse and then surprise surprise the crap hits the fan and you feel like you are covered in it?

How does one go on when that is your reality?

Where does one turn when the well of hope has dried up and there isn't a drop of hope left in sight?

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Walking the aisles of a warehouse finding supplies is a very simple task and quite mundane.  As a person who is strategic and an analyzer (according to strength finders), I mapped out the best plan of attack for each order to be as efficient as possible.  You grab the sheet of paper, take off with your cart and find the supplies needed to fulfill the order.  You take that information and enter it into a database, pack up the items and place them on a pallet to be delivered.  

This was a job that provided income and for the season that was a gift.  Even though I knew having this job was a gift. each week I found myself struggling with the reality that I was working in a warehouse and that there didn't seem to be an end in sight.  I longed for something more.

On the 2012 Thanksgiving weekend when driving with my wife to Medicine Hat, I remember the silence.  Silence on a long road trip means a lot of time to think and process life.  The ache inside of me was present as I longed for something more.  How could this be my reality on a weekend set aside for thankfulness?

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25 job applications and resumes had been sent out and still no job.  Finding a pastoral role was still at the top of my dreams list but at this point any work would do.  Having a Bachelors and Masters degree is helpful however the nature of those degrees was not opening up the door to any jobs.  

The struggles I was facing multiplied in that I was not alone but was in a family.  The stresses and realities I was facing projected themselves onto my wife.  The implications of our reality caused severe health struggles for her.  The lack of sleep and stress led to her moving out to heal up and try to find some respite from all the struggles.  

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I remember standing on the corner of 5th Street and 7th Avenue in downtown Calgary.  We had just come out of the court house and filed our divorce papers.  As we said goodbye I found the words "I love you" welling up inside of me but my mouth remained closed.  The season of saying those words had come to an end.

The divorce was "easy" as far as divorce goes.  We were amicable towards each other and were able to figure out the divorce logistics without major complications.  The one element that could not easily be dealt with was the deep crater of a wound that was now present within. 

Choosing to be grateful in that moment was not a possibility.  I did not regret the journey and decisions that were made.  I learned a lot about myself, about resilience and about perseverance.  This is not how I figured I would end up learning these values.  I would not wish this reality on my greatest enemy (I don't really have an enemy but you get the point).  

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Where is God?

How can God allow this?

Why me?

How can I ever make it through this let alone come out on the other side?

Is there even an answer to these questions??

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Many Christians are quick to rationalize answers and throw simple answers towards deep heart ache.  As if somehow quoting a Bible verse or reminding the individual of some theological truth will cause them to go "oh, I never thought of that" and snap out of the deep pain and brokenness.  Many times, in our desire to help and bring forth healing to the individual we actually insult the individuals intelligence and pain with our over simplified spiritual statements.

As people go through tough time, we look to passages like Jeremiah 29:11 (improperly referencing it and its initial written intent) as a way of trying to comfort them:"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." The simplified responses towards those processing struggles are problematic: It will get better, God has a plan for you, God uses all things to work together for good, He won't give you anything that you can't handle.

Is God in control? Yes.

Does God cause all things to work for good?  Yes.

Does God have plans for our future? Yes.

Is this what needs to be shared with the individual?  Use your discretion!!

Amidst the pain, these overly simplified spiritual cliches clash with current reality...God has plans to prosper me. This does not seem like hope and it sure as heck seems like it is harming me.
Did I do something wrong?
Is God punishing me?
I thought He was supposed to be loving, this seems the furthest thing from that.
What kind of a God is that?

The problem with this view of God is that we picture Him sitting up there somewhere as we navigate life down here. He is watching His big screen tv monitoring all of our activity. Do the right thing and he sprinkles down blessings from heaven - of course, it is because He has plans to prosper us. Do the wrong thing and wham, lightning and thunder are coming your way. Brace yourselves for years of pain and punishment.

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The kind of God the Bible talks about often seems to come into direct conflict with the life we at times are having to navigate.
Loving.
Caring.
Compassionate.
Really??

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We get a glimpse of Jesus life for three years.  He lived to be around 33 years old so a lot of his life is unknown to us.  Before he chose 12 followers to come and participate in life with Him he would have had other friendships.

We find out in the book of John that Jesus had a family that he was friends with.  He would stop in and visit with them when he was in the area.  Mary, Martha and Lazarus lived in Bethany and Jesus considered them close friends.

Jesus gets word that his buddy Lazarus is sick and then died shortly after.  Jesus shows up in Bethany.  He knows that the plan is to raise Him from the dead yet on the way to the tomb he breaks down.

John 11:35 says:
"Jesus wept."

But why? In a few moments he would be calling Lazarus's name to come out of the tomb. Why bother with shedding a tear?

Jesus as a human knows what it is like when crap hits the fan. When a close friend is dead, tears is the reasonable response.

In another book in the Bible written about Jesus, Matthew describes some of the final moments Jesus has before being taken away to be tried and then killed. After having a supper meal with his followers, he heads out for an evening walk and they end up in a park. A few of the followers stop and find a spot to sit on a bench and Jesus proceeds a bit further with three of his closest friends.

Matthew 26:38-39 says:
And he said to them, “My heart is overwhelmed and crushed with grief. It feels as though I’m dying. Stay here and keep watch with me.” 39 Then he walked a short distance away, and overcome with grief, he threw himself facedown on the ground and prayed, “My Father, if there is any way you can deliver me from this suffering, please take it from me.
Jesus is real, honest and raw before God. You can sense the emotion in this snap shot of Jesus final moments before being arrested.

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How many tears do you think have been shed over the course of your life?  The tears you cried as a newborn because your mother was taking too long to give you milk - before you knew what tears even were.  The scrapes and bruises you accumulated as a little kid, the broken heart you faced as a teenager, the tears shed for friends going through tough time or the tears you cried when you lost a loved one.

God knows the tears you have cried.
Psalm 56:8 says:
You’ve kept track of all my wandering and my weeping.
You’ve stored my many tears in your bottle—not one will be lost.
For they are all recorded in your book of remembrance.

That is a bit of a different twist to heaven. A beautiful place with streets of gold and happy little angels everywhere. At the center of heaven there is a giant warehouse. That warehouse has row upon row of shelving and on each shelf there are bottles. Each of us has a little bottle and it is filled with varying amounts of liquid. Next to the bottle is a journal with detailed notes and dates.

Our tears don't fall to the ground unseen and unremembered.

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Sometimes life sucks.
Sometimes the crap hits the fan and pain takes over and grips us.
Gratitude is important, doing our best to maintain hope is vital...but at times that is impossible.

Amidst the pain in my life, amidst the darkest days I knew I could make it. Standing on the street corner by the courthouse I walked away as tears welled up in my eyes. Eventually I could not hold them back, they flowed down my face behind my sunglasses as I found my way back to the parkade.

In that deep moment of pain and ache I knew I was not alone. Yes I had friends and family who deeply cared for me but they were not physically with me in that moment. In that moment, I knew I had a God who loved me and cared. He was there with the bottle catching each tear...not a drop falling aside without Him seeing it.

He isn't up there somewhere looking down waiting to zap us and watching us scramble to survive the highs and lows of life. He lived it Himself, having a close friend die, feeling the pain in a park that was so gripping that He felt it was killing him...being in so much anguish that He cried out to God to take it away if at all possible.

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I don't know what you are going through.
I don't know the pains you are facing, have faced and will face.
I do know that pain sucks and there are times the cup feels empty and going on seems impossible.

My thoughts are simple: You are not alone! There is a God that has wept, a God who has felt deep pain, a God who is present with you now catching each tear as it falls.

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MAKING IT REAL

Emotions are a gift. Trying to suppress them and keep the tough exterior may seem like the better option but at some point the lid is ready to pop off and the emotions need to flow.

When you are done reading, head outside and take a walk. Take some time to take deep breaths and just breath in the fresh air. Somewhere on your walk, find a place to sit (a bench, a tree stump or a spot on the grass).

Ask yourself the following questions:

How is my heart doing? i intentionally say how is your heart as the heart is the place we often suppress, the place our feelings and emotions reside. So...how is your heart doing?

If part of your response is to let out some emotions to answer then set the emotions free (anger, pain, sadness and even the numbness...maybe even some tears).
Secondly, ask yourself the following question: God, where are you?
This may be a new question for you or one you have not asked in a long time amidst life's reality...just sit and be still after asking the question and see what happens.

When you get home grab a journal, a piece of paper and pen, or a blank document online.  One way to often get out the realities and feelings going on in the inside is to just start writing.  Reflect on the two questions above and write out some thoughts.

Sometimes life stinks but we are not meant to journey through life alone.  Is there someone you know who is going through a tough season right now?  Write them a letter (not an email or a text).  A personal letter is just something great to get.  Now...don't fill the letter with all the Christian cliches or statements like "I know what you are going through" (because you don't and everyone's pain is different).  Just be honest with them...let them know why you care about them, what you see in them that makes them so amazing.  Be there for them and be present as best as you can be.

* If the crap is hitting the fan for you right now, reach out to someone: a family member, close friend or even a counselor (my counselor - yup I see a shrink -  was instrumental in helping me get through my thirties).  If you need an ear I am available...just let me know. If your struggles have taken you to the point of wanting to end it all and you are considering suicide then reach out for help:
403.266.HELP (4357) or help@distresscentre.com or call 911.

What's on the Fridge?

If I were to ask you who you are, what would be your response?
What is your identity?

When you are at a party or meeting someone new, how do you introduce yourself.  What are the first things that you say to them?  It usually doesn't take long into introducing ourselves that we start talking about our work and accomplishments as well as the relationships we have.  Why is that?

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On the trip down to Medicine Hat on the Thanksgiving weekend, my mind was spinning with what next and the lack of potential options.  During that trip, the idea crossed my mind to consider going to Seminary and start working on my Masters degree.  I didn't say anything about this at the time to my wife as we were both in our own mental bubble processing life.

That Sunday, after the church gathering, we were chatting with the pastor who has been a friend for many many years.  After hearing about our lack of job options and no open doors, he said "why don't you consider going to seminary. You don't have a family or a job that is tying you down at this time."

Hearing those words shortly after having had those thoughts was an affirmation of what steps to take next.

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I remember sitting in my first class of my masters.  I wasn't sure what to expect as I hadn't been in school for 10 years.

As the professor was teaching us and walking us through Romans 8 I heard a voice in my head.  Quite clearly I heard "Andreas, I want you not what you do for me."  I couldn't shake the thought as it repeated itself over and over.

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I have known that I am more then what I do.
I have known that my accomplishments do not define me.
My identity is not what I do.

It is one thing to know these in your mind.  It is another thing to know it in your heart.

How do you hold onto your identity when the major defining factors of your identity are no longer?

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A couple of good friends have encouraged me and challenged me regarding thoughts surrounding identity.

It is believed that Jesus was close to 30 before he ever started going around teaching and doing miracles.  What was he doing before then?  Well, it is believed he was likely "just" a carpenter following in his fathers trade.

Matthew is one of Jesus close friends (otherwise known as a disciple) and he wrote about Jesus life after Jesus died.  Matthew retells the story of Jesus baptism.  John the Baptist (his cousin) was out in the desert baptizing people.  At the time people were confessing their sins and John would then baptize them (dunking them under water).  Jesus shows up in the dessert and requests to be baptized by John.  Here is the retelling of that story from Matthew 3:13-17:

Then Jesus left Galilee to come to the Jordan to be baptized by John. 14 But when he waded into the water, John resisted him, saying, “Why are you doing this? I’m the one who needs to be baptized by you, and yet you come to be baptized by me?”
15 Jesus replied, “It is only right to do all that God requires.”Then John baptized Jesus. 16 And as Jesus rose up out of the water, the heavenly realm opened up over him and he saw the Holy Spirit descend out of the heavens and rest upon him in the form of a dove.17 Then suddenly the voice of the Father shouted from the sky, saying, “This is the Son I love, and my greatest delight is in him.”

Jesus gets baptized and God shows up in the form of a dove and a voice from the heavens.   The words Jesus hears are "you are my loved Son and greatest delight."

Jesus had not done anything yet.  He had not healed anyone nor had he had opened His mouth to teach.  He did not die yet on the cross.  What is there to delight in?  What is there to love?

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You are loved not because of anything that you have done or accomplished.  

If you were to be head of the UN or find a cure for cancer, that would not make you more lovable.  

You are loved simply because you are you...full stop!!

That is easy to write when thinking of other people.  When it comes to believing it for self it is often a different story.  Why is it so hard though to believe this ourselves?

For me, as much as I try to detach my identity from what I do, I find myself still clinging to the external markers to define myself.  Here is what I have done, things I have seen and accomplished, the people I know.

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There are a few reasons we define our identity based on an external value system.

Some of the externals we use to define ourselves are connected to our own pride.  Because I have accomplished these markers, I can now promote my worth to others by letting them know about how great I am.

"Oh, that is cool you have traveled.  I like to travel as well.  In fact last year I traveled to..."
"No I don't know that person.  Do you know (fill in name). She is my friend and is the leader of...."
"My work sent me to (fill in blank conference).  It was pretty good.  I already knew most of the stuff but nice to go for the training."

Other times, the feeling that we need to promote the externals can be connected to feelings of inferiority.  Because we do not feel that our life matters, we try to inflate our worth based on external markers.

"I feel dumb and everyone else thinks I am stupid.  Good thing I finally got this good grade on my math test that I can tell them about to prove that I am not stupid."
"I've made a lot of bad financial decisions.  I am glad this one came around and worked out.  Now people will know I understand what I am talking about."

We hear the messages all over the place that you only matter if you - buy this, accomplish this, have experienced this, have progressed up the corporate ladder.  These messages all around us have caused us to compete and find our identity in things that do not actually define us. We become prideful and promote ourselves or we have insecurities and promote ourselves to try to find some measure of worth and purpose.

The main reason we define our identity based on external markers is that we have failed to trust that inner voice that tells us we matter no matter what.  We struggle to believe it because at times we may have been told by others that we do not matter, we have made mistakes and so in our own mind we do not believe we have worth or we compare ourselves to others and do not feel like our lives are of any significance in comparison to theirs.

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Externals do matter.  It is good to pursue goals, accomplishments and various achievements.  Find work you love and do that job well.  In fact, whatever you do, do it to the best of your ability.  Share your life experiences with others and the things you have been able to participate in.

Do not, however, look to these as what defines you.  You matter simply because you are.  You are the only you that will ever exist and be you.

A wise man once said:
“Today you are You, that is truer than true. There is no one alive who is Youer than You.”  Dr. Seuss.
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When I think of heaven I like to think of a giant fridge.  Yup...God has a huge fridge up there.

On that fridge, if you get close enough you will see that it is covered in pictures.  Step a bit closer and you will see that the fridge is covered with pictures of you.
-pictures of you and your first smile, your first steps, your first words.
-photos of your first day of school, the day that you brought your teacher a homemade card for her birthday or stayed after class to help a friend pack up their supplies before heading home.
-pictures of your first shave (even though there was only 5 hairs on your chin), that time you dressed yourself up really nice and went on your first date.
-photos of you when you saw that person on the side of the road and stopped to help, when you saw that puppy running around lost and you took care of it until its owner arrived.

Weird thing about this fridge is there are also some unusual photos on it.
- when you ran in the track meet and ended up getting fourth place just outside of the medals...but you still managed to get a personal best
- when you spoke up amidst an unjust situation and were ridiculed for it...yet still made that one person feel noticed.

The photos are endless all because God delights in you!!
In God's eyes you matter because you exist not because of what you do.
You make God smile!  Every day he takes out His camera and says "I look forward to seeing what she will do today.  I wonder what fun adventures he will take us on today"

If you listen closely throughout your day, you may even hear the camera as he snaps photos of you to put up on the fridge.

You are His delight!!

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MAKING IT REAL

It is often easy to list things we like about other people.  We see why they are unique, what qualities, attributes and character qualities make them who they are.  For ourselves though this can often be more of a struggle.  Why is it that we struggle to believe we are lovable and worthy of God's delight?

Go and find a room with a mirror in it and sit down.  Ask yourself the following questions:
Who am I?  What have I allowed to define me? (you may want to write those things down)
After a while, ask the following question of God:
When was the last time I put a smile on your face?
What are some of your favorite pictures of me up on your fridge?

To take it one step further... think of one person that you trust and have a good relationship with.  Ask them if they are up for a friendship challenge and if they are willing to take the friendship to a different depth.  Share 5 things together that you see in each other that make that person who they are (beyond the externals).