Identity Quest

I have been on the top of two volcanoes.  A previous blog post describes my first adventure to the top of a volcano.  

After a year of separation, in the fall of 2016 the divorce papers were filed and approved by the courts.  

In September, my mom threw out a question to our family: do we want to go to Hawaii for Christmas this year instead of the usual traditional Christmas? 

For me the answer was easy: YES!!  A chance to travel, to get away, to snorkel, to be away from some of the normal routine and get a chance to catch my breath from all that year represented.  

I did my research on what to do in Maui and found out about the Haleakala Crater.  It is an old volcano.  Looking at photos I saw the option of watching a sunrise or sunset from the top of the volcano.

We were going to Maui from the 26th - 3rd which meant we would be there for new years.  Realizing this, I decided I would start 2017 on top of a volcano.

I got up early on new years day and drove across the island to get to Haleakala.  I found a parking spot and waited for a while until the sunrise was close.  

I watched the sunrise off in the distance above the clouds and ocean.  It was my prayer that the year to follow would be one of healing, renewed hope and finding my identity.  During 2016 my identity crumbled and I was desperate to find myself once again.

Little did I know at that moment, my quest to find my lost identity would be a process that would continue on into 2018 as well

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I remember sitting on the steps on May 21st talking to my roommate.  I was struggling that year and found myself in a dark place.  I said to him that morning "I feel like I am listening to these tapes over and over inside my head."

That morning was a Sunday and after a few months of contemplating, I decided to check out a new church.

I walked in and enjoyed the gathering.  It was like a lot of other churches in many ways.  People were friendly, the music was good as was the preaching.

At the end of their gathering, they did things a bit differently.  Often churches have a prayer team that is available for those that would like prayer, usually requiring you to come to the front and seek them out.  At this church they have a ministry time where all people are invited to pray for whoever they feel led to pray for.  Being new, I wasn't going to approach anyone at this time so sat quietly and watched for a few moments.  I got up to put my cup away and head out.

There was only a few people I knew there that morning.  As I got up, one of these people approached me with a couple of friends and said that she had felt the need to pray for me. She asked if there was anything going on specifically that they could pray for.

That morning I had knots in my stomach due to the date.  I let them know that it would have been my 6th wedding anniversary but was now divorced.

They began to pray.  A guy I did not know at the time began to pray and started praying that I would be able to let go of the shame and guilt I was holding on to.  His wife prayed afterwards and said the following "Andreas, I feel like you are listening to some tapes over and over in your head.  You need to stop listening to those tapes."

WHAT??  How did she know of that mornings conversation I had with my roommate?

God was continuing to chip away at my identity and help me to once again see who I was.

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In June I boarded a plane and was on my way to the Midwest in the States for a zoo tour.  I needed to get away and spend some time doing some things that I loved and also time to just be on my own and think.  

My trip included 5 more zoos, my first MLB game (at Wrigley Field watching the Cubs) and my first MLS game (watching Bastian Schweinsteiger and the Chicago Fire).  I also got to see the firehouse from one of my favorite TV shows Chicago Fire.  I started in Chicago, headed south to St. Louis, west to Kansas City and then north to Omaha.  

On the drive between St Louis and Kansas city I started to process my identity further.  When people ask me who I am how would I define myself?  What are the key things they would need to know?

I sat down in a park and started to write out some of the descriptors I would attach to myself.

It was interesting to see how many of the descriptors I used to define myself were actually negative: 

-former pastor     -divorced     -childless     -fatherless     -lonely     -out of shape     -single...again 

They were limiting me and holding me back.  I was allowing these words to define my identity and they became the tapes that I played over inside my head.

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At the Epiphany Feast in 2018, I lined up to get my word from the bowl.  This again is a practice at our church where you draw a word for the year as a guiding word.  We trust that the word is not just random but that God actually helps us draw a word that He desires for us that year to help shape and form us.

I made it to the front of the line and drew out my word.  

The word I had drawn was generosity.

Well that's interesting.  At first glance, I wasn't really sure what the word was supposed to mean for me.  

My friends comments were "Andreas, you are one of the most generous guys I know." (those are nice words to hear...yet also not giving more insight into the meaning of the word).

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In March, I found myself once again sitting on the couch visiting my counselor (once again, find a counselor if you don't already have one).

Through the conversation I was led to the realization that I am a giver that struggles to receive.  I want to give back.  I want to make sure others are cared for.  I am loyal and will give to others even to my own detriment at times.  

It is one thing to be generous but what does it mean to receive generosity from others.

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An hour after my counseling session I was laying on a massage bed.  It was a new massage therapist that I had not seen before.  The thoughts that came forth from my counseling session were still echoing around my head.

The massage therapist was great at what she did but also got into forms of spirituality that I was not as comfortable with.  A lot of what was said I had to filter out.

As she worked her way onto my arms she said a statement that did stick with me: "You have really tight forearms.  You really seem to be holding on to a lot of things.  You need to let things go."  

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Finding your identity can be a struggle at the best of times.  There are always outside forces trying to shape us and dictate who we become: buy this, wear this, eat hear, look a certain way, act a certain way.  

Beyond the external voices that are trying to shape our identity, there is the ongoing internal struggle.  

We listen to tapes in our head that often tell us lies about our identity and mislead us from who we were actually created to be.  

We allow ourselves to be defined by our flaws, failures including where we fail to measure up to expectations (whether our own or of others). 

We struggle to truly receive from others.  The tapes we play often dictate that we are not worthy.  Other times, knowing that we are struggling with identity, we try to prove to others that we do not need their help and that we are doing fine.  Intentionally closing ourselves off from receiving becomes a coping mechanism to guard others from seeing the true reality of what is going on inside.

We hold on tightly to the hurt, the pain, the past, the failures and we struggle to loosen the grip and let things go.  

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Generosity was the word that marked my year in 2018.  

Kim shared a thought with me that maybe the word wasn't a challenge for me to be more generous.  Maybe God was wanting to be generous to me.  

What did that even mean?  I had been through so many valleys and tough times.  I was broken and had a tough past.  

She then pointed me towards the Japanese art of Kitsugi.  Kintsugi, also known as Kintsukuroi, is the Japanese art of repairing broken pottery by mending the areas of breakage with lacquer dusted or mixed with powdered gold, silver, or platinum.

God was (and continues to) mending me back together into a beautiful work of art.  The broken pieces are part of the story but on their own do not do not form my identity.  

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Healing is not immediate.  The search to re-find identity takes time.  Learning to tune out the old tapes and start playing new tapes is a learning process.  

It takes the support of friends and loved ones.  It means trust in others and also learning and being able to trust yourself.  The process leads to starting to believe in yourself and that you matter.  Being willing to ask for help, professionally or from others in your life.  

One of the most important parts to finding yourself is learning to trust in God.  It means being real with Him and also honest.  God can take our honesty and in fact desires that from us.  There is no need to try to hide from Him how we are feeling and how we are doing.  

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One of my highlights of all of my thirties was being invited to speak at summer camps. It was great to journey with youth over the course of the week.

My favorite day of camp was always the final evening session. After the talk, the students would gather around in a circle in their cabin groups. They would then select one individual in the group and speak words of life to them. They would speak encouragements, identity, things that they saw in that person. There was one catch though, the person in the chair could not respond, they just had to sit their and receive the blessing from their friends.

After the words of encouragement were done, they would proceed to wash the feet of that individual. Yes, I know that sounds kind of gross and weird.

This whole idea comes from Jesus at his final supper with his closest 12 friends. After the dinner, he went and grabbed a wash basin and towel. He then went around the entire table and washed his friends feet. Back in those days, they wore sandals and their feet would have been quite dirty by the end of the day.

John 13:12-17 says:After washing their feet, he put his robe on and returned to his place at the table. “Do you understand what I just did?” Jesus said. 13 “You’ve called me your teacher and lord, and you’re right, for that’s who I am. 14–15 So if I’m your teacher and lord and have just washed your dirty feet, then you should follow the example that I’ve set for you and wash one another’s dirty feet. Now do for each other what I have just done for you. 16 I speak to you timeless truth: a servant is not superior to his master, and an apostle is never greater than the one who sent him. 17 So now put into practice what I have done for you, and you will experience a life of happiness enriched with untold blessings!”  (TPT)

Jesus should not have been washing other people's feet.  He deserved to have his feet washed.  Instead he set the example for us and asks us to now do the same for others.  Washing each others feet and getting down and serving others needs is the path to blessing.  Want to get blessed and find your identity?  Start taking care of other people and their needs. You don't necessarily have to physically wash your friends feet all the time (although there may be a time and place for that).  Foot washing is also symbolic of being willing to do the tough things to serve each others needs.  

At the camps when we did this it was interesting to see the healing that took place in that moment.  Tears flowed as friends spoke words over each other and then cleaned each others feet.  One camper even responded after by saying "Thanks.  We have all been friends for so many years but have never been that honest with each other."

Man, don't let that be true for your friendships...speak identity to those in your life ALL THE TIME!!  

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During my season of lost identity, I also lost sight of my life verse.  John 10:10 says:
The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.

I love how the new Passion Translation puts it this way:

A thief has only one thing in mind—he wants to steal, slaughter, and destroy. But I have come to give you everything in abundance, more than you expect—life in its fullness until you overflow!
God desires to be generous with us!!

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One of the most generous things that happened to me in 2018 was my marriage to Kim.  She was (and is) a true gift and has helped affirm my identity and who I was created to be.  

The healing continues and God's goodness continues to be on display each day as we continue on life's journey together.

photo credit to Anne Teno

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MAKING IT REAL

Being honest with yourself can be challenging.  If you are going to move forward, it helps to do a personal assessment at times. 

Take some time for yourself to get away and find a quiet place.  Bring along some paper or a journal.

Spend some time reflecting on the following question: Who am I?  Write out all the thoughts that come to mind.  What are the positive things that make you you and what are some of the struggles or negative aspects you would use to define yourself.

After some reflection on that question, ask the following question: God, who do you see me as?  Maybe take a walk and listen for the answer.  For me it usually just comes as a thought inside my head but is gentle in nature and speaks beyond my ears and more into the depth of who I am.

How does who God says you are differ from who you see yourselves as?  Are there tapes you are listening to that you need to get rid of?  Are there things you are holding on to that you need to loosen the grip of?  Are you willing to receive God generosity towards you...which is beyond your expectation and would leave you overflowing?

Now take it even one step further.  Talk to a couple of close friends or family who know you well.  Ask them to do you a favor.  Have them write you a letter as to who they see when they see you...what is the identity that they see.  Once they have written a letter to you, have them pull up a chair facing you...nothing in between just face to face with each other.  Have them read it out loud to you.  Of course I want to throw the hard part at you as well.  You are not allowed to say anything while they are reading...just receive their words.  Receive their generosity.  

This can be done with a small group of friends as well, each taking turns sharing words of hope and love to each other as long as the recipient sits quietly in that moment and just receives.  If you want to throw foot washing on after blessing each other with words then that is great.  Also, make sure to pray for each other as this can be a real holy moment where heaven crashes down and is present among you.  (You may even want to do something like this as a family.  Or consider incorporating something along these lines into family birthdays...don't just hang out...give blessings and speak identity).